I have been meaning to come out here and share something. As we are growing up a lot of parents focus on the need for us to become independent and start taking more responsibilities in life . We try to look for ways to be more independent : making more choices on our own, taking big decisions on our own. But in this need to be independent we think that it's all because of our efforts that we will be able achieve what we want. If we fail at something, we fail because we didn't try hard enough or that we made a mistake. We feel we hold ourselves back and we look towards others who may be more accomplished and independent then us and think: "she has what it takes or he is good at what he does." We may envy then or feel happy for them. But more often then not this comparison between us and the "accomplished " or "success others" becomes a means for self loathing and hatred. We try to copy the successful people's work ethic we seek their advice and sometimes it works and other times it does not. We blame ourselves for our lack of success and some may even hate themselves for it.
When it comes to religion we all use the same sort of goal setting framework to our religious development. The ultimate aim to be closer to Allah and then eventually get the golden ticket to Jannah. Again, in this department we look to those people who are more practicing as Muslims or more "pious" and think "She responsible and dedicated that is why she is able to be so close to Allah." We look in the mirror and think: "my eeman is so weak because I am not trying hard enough!" and again the same cycle of self loathing begins.
There is one minor attitude adjustment that can turn our lives around quite literally: Whenever you think of achieving something or compensating for something you lack especially in terms of Islamic practices and habits , remember its not all about your strength and dedication towards "fixing" things , above all else Allah swt is the one who will make you capable of doing anything you want to do. If He Wills, you will be able to do it. If not, no matter how hard you try you will not be able to do anything to help yourself. If anyone is successful in life its because Allah made them successful and its not difficult for Him to give you the same kind of success. So, turn to Him again and again and again. Tell Him you can't do anything without His help . He will help you. Tell Him your plans to Please Him remain unfulfilled He will fulfill them . Insha'Allah!
Keep returning to Him and reminding yourself that you are not the powerful one He is. You need Him more then anything else that you have ever needed or wanted in your life. And its not hard to find Him: all it takes is du'a but more often then not it seems like the hardest thing. We shy away from it thinking that our prayers will go answered or that the fact that our track record in terms of good deeds is so bad Allah won't bother listening to us or accept our good deeds. Its not like that He is always there for us and its so simple to just tell Him all our problems and seek His help and protection but we don't use this option.
I think its because we feel we aren't trying enough that's why we are failing but that is not it. We aren't asking for Allah's help enough. Our attitude of believing we are self sufficient is the problem. It may be confusing to understand but it way does it mean that we keep making du'a and do nothing it means we approach our goals with the different mind set: I'm not Self - Sufficient , Allah is. I need Him to move forward. This will eventually help us give up loathing ourselves and make us feel more positive about ourselves and also about our relationship with Allah.